Small and Large from cfortman on Vimeo.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Back With a Rant
BACK WITH A RANT from cfortman on Vimeo.
Musical Inspiration
Artist: Backstreet Boys
Song: Everybody (Backstreets Back)
Peace and Love Candegirl
Musical Inspiration
Artist: Backstreet Boys
Song: Everybody (Backstreets Back)
Peace and Love Candegirl
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The End of the Chapter
In my 31 short years on Earth I haven't loved many men. Actually to be honest I have only loved two men in a romantic sense. I met both while I was in college. One I loved only a short time (seems short now)...one I loved for what seemed like an eternity. They have few things in common and the one thing they have most in common was...my love...my young...whole heart...in love.
I keep EVERYTHING that recounts past relationships. This is true of romantic and none romantic relationships. My best friend when I was in my early teens use to write me these long letters even though we lived right across the street from each other...I still have them. They tell a story of a time in my life that without the letters I would soon forget. They remind me of the thirteen year old girl who had braces, braids like brandy, too many secret crushes and insecurities. While I no longer have the braces, braids and I can't recall my last real crush....some things stick around. I can see that clearly in my correspondences over the years.
What is more clear is how I loved, especially in my 20's. It wasn't blurred with the jaded eyes I now have. It was pure love. The kind of love that makes you write poems, letters and send cards for no reason and I was the perfect sap for the occasion.
The second love, the one that lasted...an eternity...recently lost its last flame. The flame that keeps friendship on the table, but hopes for more. It was a small flame and looking back it probably wasn't even visible to the naked eye any longer. It was once a raging fire, a wild fire. Little by little we put it out. I don't think I noticed it was being put out...we would come back after a break and pick up right where we left off. Figuring the fire was still hot...never noticing it was smaller. Much of the fire was put out because only one person was really tending to it. That person was me. I loved more. His love for me was different than mine was for him. I guess I thought one day he will see me....love me like I loved him. He had to feel the same heat I felt. However, what I neglected to realize was that he was seeing the flames....he saw clearly. He was using his eyes. I was using my heart, I was feeling.
Today I came across one of the emails I sent him when we first met some eight years ago. It tells of a different time. A different kind of love. A love that was perhaps mutual. As I packed away the remnants of this person from my heart. Moved him out of my social network. Cleared him from my history I started reading this email that took me back to a simple time. When we chose with out hearts and not our brains. When awesome seemed attainable and didn't scare us back into our shells.
This blog is dedicated to love: Awesome. Pure. Unafraid. Love. I hope it finds you. I know it will find me.
The text from the recovered email, I was 22:
Last night you asked me how I felt about *you* well I have an answer.
He Is...
He is the reality of dreams once had upon a starry night
He is the answer to tearful prayers
In such a short period of time he has shown me that dreams do come true and prayers are answered.
I wonder if he knows how every breath he takes when we speak moves me closer to him and how I hang on at the end of every sentence hoping it won't be the last for the evening.
At the end of each night when I hear him say goodnight I can feel the emotions of a thousand years of wanting and waiting.
I feel the moon come down and kiss me the same moon that lights the skies of his southern reality.
I wish he knew how my heart smiles at him and that my day is not complete until I hear from him and feel his presence.
He is the reality of dreams: strong, beautiful, and confident.
He is the answer to tearful prayers of: wanting, needing, and seeking a friend. He is He is He is.... "
Musical Inspiration
Song: You Don't Know What Love Is
Artist: Nina Simone
Peace and Love Candegirl
I keep EVERYTHING that recounts past relationships. This is true of romantic and none romantic relationships. My best friend when I was in my early teens use to write me these long letters even though we lived right across the street from each other...I still have them. They tell a story of a time in my life that without the letters I would soon forget. They remind me of the thirteen year old girl who had braces, braids like brandy, too many secret crushes and insecurities. While I no longer have the braces, braids and I can't recall my last real crush....some things stick around. I can see that clearly in my correspondences over the years.
What is more clear is how I loved, especially in my 20's. It wasn't blurred with the jaded eyes I now have. It was pure love. The kind of love that makes you write poems, letters and send cards for no reason and I was the perfect sap for the occasion.
The second love, the one that lasted...an eternity...recently lost its last flame. The flame that keeps friendship on the table, but hopes for more. It was a small flame and looking back it probably wasn't even visible to the naked eye any longer. It was once a raging fire, a wild fire. Little by little we put it out. I don't think I noticed it was being put out...we would come back after a break and pick up right where we left off. Figuring the fire was still hot...never noticing it was smaller. Much of the fire was put out because only one person was really tending to it. That person was me. I loved more. His love for me was different than mine was for him. I guess I thought one day he will see me....love me like I loved him. He had to feel the same heat I felt. However, what I neglected to realize was that he was seeing the flames....he saw clearly. He was using his eyes. I was using my heart, I was feeling.
Today I came across one of the emails I sent him when we first met some eight years ago. It tells of a different time. A different kind of love. A love that was perhaps mutual. As I packed away the remnants of this person from my heart. Moved him out of my social network. Cleared him from my history I started reading this email that took me back to a simple time. When we chose with out hearts and not our brains. When awesome seemed attainable and didn't scare us back into our shells.
This blog is dedicated to love: Awesome. Pure. Unafraid. Love. I hope it finds you. I know it will find me.
The text from the recovered email, I was 22:
Last night you asked me how I felt about *you* well I have an answer.
He Is...
He is the reality of dreams once had upon a starry night
He is the answer to tearful prayers
In such a short period of time he has shown me that dreams do come true and prayers are answered.
I wonder if he knows how every breath he takes when we speak moves me closer to him and how I hang on at the end of every sentence hoping it won't be the last for the evening.
At the end of each night when I hear him say goodnight I can feel the emotions of a thousand years of wanting and waiting.
I feel the moon come down and kiss me the same moon that lights the skies of his southern reality.
I wish he knew how my heart smiles at him and that my day is not complete until I hear from him and feel his presence.
He is the reality of dreams: strong, beautiful, and confident.
He is the answer to tearful prayers of: wanting, needing, and seeking a friend. He is He is He is.... "
Musical Inspiration
Song: You Don't Know What Love Is
Artist: Nina Simone
Peace and Love Candegirl
Monday, June 25, 2012
Big Bad Cande
"You're dope. You're just too aggressive."
YIKES.....
We will call the man in this post Pepsi...because I am sitting here staring at a hot ass bottle of Pepsi on my desk and it makes me feel the way this situation made me feel....bad...all bad.
After Pepsi left kinda abruptly from what had been an awesome afternoon of laughing, talking and movie watching, I decided to send a text to figure out WHY THE FUDGE I was sitting on this here couch alone.
He gave me an answer that didn't really satisfy my soul and so after thinking it over all weekend I decided to ask again. Well Monday gave me the real answer. The paragraph long answer. The "oh wait I do that and you ain't feeling it".... answer.
Basically he said (and this is hard to share with you all...because as a Capricorn we don't like sharing flaws) you came at me and never gave me the chance to come at you. You were.....AGGRESSIVE. Now this is no surprise in my outside of men life. I am in fact the kind of person that sees something and goes after it. If my heart is set on it I do what needs to be done to CONQUER. I however had not really paid much attention to the fact that I was doing this with men as well. YIKES!
I can already hear my bible waivers "It says a man who FINDS a wife..." yeah I know. I have a King James in my home. I also get in my head that men are suppose to chase women...not vice versa. However if no one is moving in on you are you suppose to sit there like a good little girl on the couch in your pretty dress, sitting still so you don't get dirty waiting to be rescued OR do you say I look good in this dress and dammit I am going out to create some dirt!
So here I am....Aggressive Candegirl wondering to myself: do I need to reevaluate the entire way I do business with men or do I wait for a man who appreciates my CAN DO (like my positive spin :-) spirit.
Oy vey....I have all the questions and not a single answer....
Peace and Love Candegirl
Musical Inspiration:
Artist: Queen Latifah
Song: When You're Good to Mama
YIKES.....
My friend Shawn has been saying for a little over a year now that he wanted to know what my "crazy" is. The reason he believes I am Sleepless in Detroit...so to say. Well I have been telling him that I am not sure what it is. If he can't see it then random men who see me on the streets clearly can't see it on first inspection and still, I get no play. NO PLAY.
Well...fast forward to this past week. A young man that I was "feeling" and I had a very awkward exchange. Things went from really good to not so good in the course of 30 minutes. I won't get into detail because as you know I like to protect the identities of the men I write about...I have no time to be all up in court. Plus, this city is so small that is this could be someone else's boo and then I will have another post ALL together.
We will call the man in this post Pepsi...because I am sitting here staring at a hot ass bottle of Pepsi on my desk and it makes me feel the way this situation made me feel....bad...all bad.
After Pepsi left kinda abruptly from what had been an awesome afternoon of laughing, talking and movie watching, I decided to send a text to figure out WHY THE FUDGE I was sitting on this here couch alone.
He gave me an answer that didn't really satisfy my soul and so after thinking it over all weekend I decided to ask again. Well Monday gave me the real answer. The paragraph long answer. The "oh wait I do that and you ain't feeling it".... answer. Basically he said (and this is hard to share with you all...because as a Capricorn we don't like sharing flaws) you came at me and never gave me the chance to come at you. You were.....AGGRESSIVE. Now this is no surprise in my outside of men life. I am in fact the kind of person that sees something and goes after it. If my heart is set on it I do what needs to be done to CONQUER. I however had not really paid much attention to the fact that I was doing this with men as well. YIKES!
I can already hear my bible waivers "It says a man who FINDS a wife..." yeah I know. I have a King James in my home. I also get in my head that men are suppose to chase women...not vice versa. However if no one is moving in on you are you suppose to sit there like a good little girl on the couch in your pretty dress, sitting still so you don't get dirty waiting to be rescued OR do you say I look good in this dress and dammit I am going out to create some dirt!
So here I am....Aggressive Candegirl wondering to myself: do I need to reevaluate the entire way I do business with men or do I wait for a man who appreciates my CAN DO (like my positive spin :-) spirit.
Oy vey....I have all the questions and not a single answer....
Peace and Love Candegirl
Musical Inspiration:
Artist: Queen Latifah
Song: When You're Good to Mama
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Broke to Fab
Musical Inspiration
Artist: Frankie Avalon
Song: Beauty School Drop Out
Peace and Love Candegirl
Monday, March 5, 2012
You Design Yourself....
"Remind yourself. Nobody's built like you, you design yourself." Jay-Z
In this thing we call dating you better believe there will be disappointments, I mean after all ...we are dealing with other humans. If you have paid any attention to yourself lately you will recognize one thing "humans are on some bullshit". I mean be real honest with yourself...isn't just a piece of you a little bull shitty? Well, some of us have more B.S. per atom than others. These B.S. atoms tend to lead to disappointment not in the owner of the atoms, but the folks that have to deal with them and for this post...especially the people who date them.
I was stood up yesterday. Yes in 2012 folks are still inconsiderate enough to not follow through on plans and then not alert you to that fact. I have been stood up in worst ways I guess (silver lining). I have been the girl waiting in a restaurant for a person who never shows up and doesn't return your call or text when you inquire to see what the delay is.
Yesterday was different. I was asked out nearly two weeks ago, which at the time earned the person points. I thought it was great, finally someone was planning ahead. Understanding I am a busy woman. We set a date and time...that was later changed to the next day, because he had another engagement. Well let's just say I called and sent text messages to get the update on where we would be meeting and all of the request to this very moment have been met with silence.
Is this getting stood up in the traditional sense? No, I guess not. However, I adjusted my schedule to make time inside of a very busy weekend only to be told by actions that my time is not important to this person.
So here is the confession part: I kinda had a little dating break down. I called a friend and told her I was officially applying for my spinster card. Get me a cat, some yarn and some sweaters with needle point sayings like "who needs men when you have pancakes".
(I apologize to all those I know with cats, who knit and own needle point shirts...lol)
I went on a rant and my friend called me on my B.S. She was saying the right things, but I wasn't open. I was allowing this persons actions to design me. To tell me the direction of my life, the direction of my energy.
This morning I woke up and the first thing in my head: "
Peace and Love Candegirl
Musical Inspiration
Song: A Dream
Artist: Jay-Z
Musical Inspiration
Song: A Dream
Artist: Jay-Z
Saturday, February 4, 2012
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