In my 31 short years on Earth I haven't loved many men. Actually to be honest I have only loved two men in a romantic sense. I met both while I was in college. One I loved only a short time (seems short now)...one I loved for what seemed like an eternity. They have few things in common and the one thing they have most in common was...my love...my young...whole heart...in love.
I keep EVERYTHING that recounts past relationships. This is true of romantic and none romantic relationships. My best friend when I was in my early teens use to write me these long letters even though we lived right across the street from each other...I still have them. They tell a story of a time in my life that without the letters I would soon forget. They remind me of the thirteen year old girl who had braces, braids like brandy, too many secret crushes and insecurities. While I no longer have the braces, braids and I can't recall my last real crush....some things stick around. I can see that clearly in my correspondences over the years.
What is more clear is how I loved, especially in my 20's. It wasn't blurred with the jaded eyes I now have. It was pure love. The kind of love that makes you write poems, letters and send cards for no reason and I was the perfect sap for the occasion.
The second love, the one that lasted...an eternity...recently lost its last flame. The flame that keeps friendship on the table, but hopes for more. It was a small flame and looking back it probably wasn't even visible to the naked eye any longer. It was once a raging fire, a wild fire. Little by little we put it out. I don't think I noticed it was being put out...we would come back after a break and pick up right where we left off. Figuring the fire was still hot...never noticing it was smaller. Much of the fire was put out because only one person was really tending to it. That person was me. I loved more. His love for me was different than mine was for him. I guess I thought one day he will see me....love me like I loved him. He had to feel the same heat I felt. However, what I neglected to realize was that he was seeing the flames....he saw clearly. He was using his eyes. I was using my heart, I was feeling.
Today I came across one of the emails I sent him when we first met some eight years ago. It tells of a different time. A different kind of love. A love that was perhaps mutual. As I packed away the remnants of this person from my heart. Moved him out of my social network. Cleared him from my history I started reading this email that took me back to a simple time. When we chose with out hearts and not our brains. When awesome seemed attainable and didn't scare us back into our shells.
This blog is dedicated to love: Awesome. Pure. Unafraid. Love. I hope it finds you. I know it will find me.
The text from the recovered email, I was 22:
Last night you asked me how I felt about *you* well I have an answer.
He Is...
He is the reality of dreams once had upon a starry night
He is the answer to tearful prayers
In such a short period of time he has shown me that dreams do come true and prayers are answered.
I wonder if he knows how every breath he takes when we speak moves me closer to him and how I hang on at the end of every sentence hoping it won't be the last for the evening.
At the end of each night when I hear him say goodnight I can feel the emotions of a thousand years of wanting and waiting.
I feel the moon come down and kiss me the same moon that lights the skies of his southern reality.
I wish he knew how my heart smiles at him and that my day is not complete until I hear from him and feel his presence.
He is the reality of dreams: strong, beautiful, and confident.
He is the answer to tearful prayers of: wanting, needing, and seeking a friend. He is He is He is.... "
Musical Inspiration
Song: You Don't Know What Love Is
Artist: Nina Simone
Peace and Love Candegirl
